I need someone to save,
some one to rescue,
my life is empty without love,
empty without knowing how to behave.
I need someone to save,
through turmoil and strife,
salvation comes in only one form,
that is to safe life.
I need someone to save,
I need to hold what I know is true,
I need the touch,
of a woman's love.
Creativity abounds me through and through,
I need someone to save,
because alone I can never come through,
life is nothing unless we see,
the reality that is the giving tree.
I need someone to save,
someone to rescue,
not for them,
because it is for me!
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Sunday, October 12, 2014
The funny thing is...
The funny thing is we had a short but very intense relationship, both
very passionate, and I mean passionate about everything we were involved
with.
Travel, food, wine, laughter… each other!
I’ve been working on many new projects and these random visions or memories keep flashing in my mind, kind of distracting in the midst of a paint stroke, but I enjoy them.
Flashes of eating lunch with a friend while getting the most distracting texts of a girl dancing around in her apartment with pink underwear on…
Flashes of the exact thing I was doing when I texted to just answer the phone and listen to my voice, as I told you some very intense things, laughing as I heard you frantically search for your wallet, just to discover it in your hand.
Flashes of things exchanged between us, things only you and I will know of.
Flashes of every image I have ever taken of anyone and realizing they just don’t compare to those I have taken of you.
Our very short and intense relationship was the most desirable thing I had ever been in, the most fun I had ever had, the most creative I had been to this point.
The funny thing is that I cherish that time more intensely then with anyone else and yet we are so angry and hurt at and by each other that despite the mot incredible time in both our lives our stubbornness will keep us this way for sometime to come.
The funny thing is my words are filled with errors, but I don’t care, my words are who I am, open and honest about what I feel.
The funny things is I want it back, I want it to never end, I want it regardless of what anyone else thinks! I found you in the horrid maze we call life, despite everything I have done, been through or thought you have done, I want the one true thing that I knew was true… US!
Travel, food, wine, laughter… each other!
I’ve been working on many new projects and these random visions or memories keep flashing in my mind, kind of distracting in the midst of a paint stroke, but I enjoy them.
Flashes of eating lunch with a friend while getting the most distracting texts of a girl dancing around in her apartment with pink underwear on…
Flashes of the exact thing I was doing when I texted to just answer the phone and listen to my voice, as I told you some very intense things, laughing as I heard you frantically search for your wallet, just to discover it in your hand.
Flashes of things exchanged between us, things only you and I will know of.
Flashes of every image I have ever taken of anyone and realizing they just don’t compare to those I have taken of you.
Our very short and intense relationship was the most desirable thing I had ever been in, the most fun I had ever had, the most creative I had been to this point.
The funny thing is that I cherish that time more intensely then with anyone else and yet we are so angry and hurt at and by each other that despite the mot incredible time in both our lives our stubbornness will keep us this way for sometime to come.
The funny thing is my words are filled with errors, but I don’t care, my words are who I am, open and honest about what I feel.
The funny things is I want it back, I want it to never end, I want it regardless of what anyone else thinks! I found you in the horrid maze we call life, despite everything I have done, been through or thought you have done, I want the one true thing that I knew was true… US!
Monday, October 6, 2014
Out of the ether his evil comes
The time in-between,
not dark, nor light,
the ether is in the mist,
his evil comes.
When times are hard,
and things are scarce,
the ether becomes the mist,
and his evil still comes.
The poor, once middle class,
now destined to for-ever be,
the one and only last,
and the ether greats us every day,
and his evil overcomes.
We look aside as not to see,
those who need, those who breathe,
and the horror of what is required to be,
in the ether his evil consumes us.
not dark, nor light,
the ether is in the mist,
his evil comes.
When times are hard,
and things are scarce,
the ether becomes the mist,
and his evil still comes.
The poor, once middle class,
now destined to for-ever be,
the one and only last,
and the ether greats us every day,
and his evil overcomes.
We look aside as not to see,
those who need, those who breathe,
and the horror of what is required to be,
in the ether his evil consumes us.
Forever alone
The moon is high and bright
and alone is what I feel,
to realize there is no one
I have in my sights
is to be forever alone.
Times have come and gone
things were said,
things were drawn,
and as the moon rises high
I will be forever alone.
I paint with all that I have
my work is evidence of who I am,
and still in every way,
every day,
I am forever alone.
Each night I say sweet dreams,
each night I have those dreams,
wondering who I am supposed to be
wondering if I will ever be set free,
always knowing I am forever alone.
and alone is what I feel,
to realize there is no one
I have in my sights
is to be forever alone.
Times have come and gone
things were said,
things were drawn,
and as the moon rises high
I will be forever alone.
I paint with all that I have
my work is evidence of who I am,
and still in every way,
every day,
I am forever alone.
Each night I say sweet dreams,
each night I have those dreams,
wondering who I am supposed to be
wondering if I will ever be set free,
always knowing I am forever alone.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
The White Dress
She wore a white dress,
the kind of look that released all your stress,
her hair, those eyes,
looking to fill the wonders,
of the blue skies.
That white dress she wore,
is forever in my mind,
the first time meeting her family,
I wanted to shine,
be honest and brave,
I wanted her to see me as I saw her.
That white dress in my mind as I drove off,
in my mind wanting to be sitting next to,
the thing I wanted,
still want,
sitting under the dark blue sky,
knowing I would never be let in,
but wanted you just the same..
That white dress will never fade from my memory,
from me...
I see you as I left that day wearing that white dress,
want you, wondering if the crazy moment was the same for you!
No questions, never any answers,
just a man who will never forget that white dress!
the kind of look that released all your stress,
her hair, those eyes,
looking to fill the wonders,
of the blue skies.
That white dress she wore,
is forever in my mind,
the first time meeting her family,
I wanted to shine,
be honest and brave,
I wanted her to see me as I saw her.
That white dress in my mind as I drove off,
in my mind wanting to be sitting next to,
the thing I wanted,
still want,
sitting under the dark blue sky,
knowing I would never be let in,
but wanted you just the same..
That white dress will never fade from my memory,
from me...
I see you as I left that day wearing that white dress,
want you, wondering if the crazy moment was the same for you!
No questions, never any answers,
just a man who will never forget that white dress!
For Linda
I grew up in what they called the “projects” in Detroit, MI during
the race riots of the 1960’s We had little money, mom had rheumatic
fever just after birth and dad was in mental institutions for most of
his life. We did not know any better then what we had.
We
saved our pennies, us kids, for the one day that was special… the day
we would all walk to the “penny candy” store, named that way because
when you walked inside… there it was every kids dream, a wall of candy
as far as you could reach up and in each bin was a mountain of
individually wrapped pieces of candy. Each piece costing only a penny.
We
were never afraid in and around where we live, tanks would roll by and
we would sit on the curb watching… it was all normal to us. We would
walk every the four oldest kids. My older brother 11, me at 10, my
younger sister at 9 and the youngest sister at around 7 or 8…
It
was a hot June day… we each had 12 cents we had saved for this
particular day… 12 pennies for 12 pieces of candy each. We walked to
the store taking care to watch the road for cars as we crossed. Inside
the store we took our time picking and choosing the right set of candy
each would get. The owner of the store would always toss in an extra
piece for each of us… give us our separate little brown bags.
We
walked out of the store pausing just outside of the entrance to peer
into our goodie bags and creep up to the edge of the sidewalk. I
looked both ways to my right then my left and I started running across
the street. I turned around after hearing the sound of a car slamming
on its brakes to see this tiny little body flipping through the air like
a discarded rag doll. My youngest sister Linda had run into the street
chasing after me. A car traveling 50 or so miles an hour crushed every
bone in her body, in an instant she was gone… the moment I had seen her
flipping in the air she had already died, second before.
For
years, many years I had nightmares about a helpless girl standing on a
dock as I watched over the railing of a large passenger boat crushing
the dock she was on, me leaning over stretching my arm out as far as I
could to help, but every night it was the same, her face looking up at
me in horror as she was crushed and sucked under the side of this large
boat. If I had taken her hand, if I had just waited for all of us to
cross at the same time… if…
I had that
nightmare every night until my early twenties. It took playing in a
band at bars every night for 7 years while holding down a full time job
to erase the nightmare from my head. Last year I drew out 3 panels to
paint depicting this and after a neighbor saw the drawings and started
to cry I removed the canvas and put them in storage. I could not go
back there again.
May is Linda’s birthday month
and as with all of my family members (there are only two left now,
myself and a younger brother) I wanted to write something.
Happy birthday Linda and I am sorry for not taking that tiny little hand of yours in mine as I ran across the street.
The saddest day
To learn that someone you've loved more intensely then anyone else is
not who you thought, to experience anothers soul then discover there
really was not much there, to discover that despite all the indications
of love, devotion it was empty!
Today is the saddest day, I've discovered that the person whom I wanted, expected to share a life with was a lie, a fake, wanted nothing but to look out for herself. I've never required much, never asked for much, gave 100% of my time to her despite the stresses of losing a house, getting divorced, dealing with several close calls with death, I was always there, always on call for her, she could depend on me regardless, no matter what...
I've needed very little from her until recently and have never felt so abandoned in my life, my ex-wife the person whom stated she has hated me for the past 30 years stood by me more intently only eclipsed by my daughter whom I am eternally proud of and love, but to have someone who openly hates me be there even more then a person who stated she loved me more then any/everything... there is something sobering in discovering this.
It is the saddest day because I've discovered that the woman I loved, put on the highest pedestal had nothing in her heart but herself, it is the saddest day because she can't see it, she is so blind to her own self importance that she can't see she has made the ultimate liar out of herself, it's the saddest day because in her words her "conscious is clear", it is the saddest day because without a thought in her head she will go off and do this again to the next guy who pays her that extra bit of attention, while I still have her on a pedestal and hating myself for it!
It is a sad day!
Today is the saddest day, I've discovered that the person whom I wanted, expected to share a life with was a lie, a fake, wanted nothing but to look out for herself. I've never required much, never asked for much, gave 100% of my time to her despite the stresses of losing a house, getting divorced, dealing with several close calls with death, I was always there, always on call for her, she could depend on me regardless, no matter what...
I've needed very little from her until recently and have never felt so abandoned in my life, my ex-wife the person whom stated she has hated me for the past 30 years stood by me more intently only eclipsed by my daughter whom I am eternally proud of and love, but to have someone who openly hates me be there even more then a person who stated she loved me more then any/everything... there is something sobering in discovering this.
It is the saddest day because I've discovered that the woman I loved, put on the highest pedestal had nothing in her heart but herself, it is the saddest day because she can't see it, she is so blind to her own self importance that she can't see she has made the ultimate liar out of herself, it's the saddest day because in her words her "conscious is clear", it is the saddest day because without a thought in her head she will go off and do this again to the next guy who pays her that extra bit of attention, while I still have her on a pedestal and hating myself for it!
It is a sad day!
Filtered thoughts
My mind is filled with filtered thoughts,
of memories and tastes from months ago,
things that have happened between us
of things yet to come.
My mind is filled with to colors
of the universe before and after,
of the places where I left my heart,
Thoughts that keep me wanting more,
where my love waits forevermore.
My mind fills with filtered thoughts,
always careful not to share,
for fears of others steeling them,
without a care.
of memories and tastes from months ago,
things that have happened between us
of things yet to come.
My mind is filled with to colors
of the universe before and after,
of the places where I left my heart,
Thoughts that keep me wanting more,
where my love waits forevermore.
My mind fills with filtered thoughts,
always careful not to share,
for fears of others steeling them,
without a care.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
She stood in my doorway
On a silent day in June,
with all forms of life in bloom,
there was a knock at my door,
with the bright blue sky and sun,
there she was standing in my doorway.
A loving embrace,
a moment to taste,
the air thick with passion,
and loving distraction.
Bodies old once new,
to watch the sun,
glide through a Van Gogh blue,
now feelings of frolic and fun,
give way to the passions of life on the run.
Rolling to hold her body now gone,
as my eyes open wide I see,
the shape of things to come,
her body in the distance wild and free,
her instincts telling her to run from me,
there she was standing in the doorway.
with all forms of life in bloom,
there was a knock at my door,
with the bright blue sky and sun,
there she was standing in my doorway.
A loving embrace,
a moment to taste,
the air thick with passion,
and loving distraction.
Bodies old once new,
to watch the sun,
glide through a Van Gogh blue,
now feelings of frolic and fun,
give way to the passions of life on the run.
Rolling to hold her body now gone,
as my eyes open wide I see,
the shape of things to come,
her body in the distance wild and free,
her instincts telling her to run from me,
there she was standing in the doorway.
Hope
Is hope a wish or an emotion?
I know that hope is the thing that gets every single person through to the next day:
I hope tomorrow will be better,
I hope I will get that job,
I hope I will get that promotion,
I hope that lottery ticket is a winner,
I hope she will love me,
I hope she will know me,
I hope there is food for tomorrow,
I hope we all are kept safe,
I hope it wont rain,
I hope it will rain,
I hope my favorite band makes a come back,
I hope my team wins in sports,
I hope my next work of art is the one,
I hope I am remembered for who I really am,
I hope you are happy,
I hope you are safe,
I hope tomorrow all of my hopes come true,
I hope...
"Hope springs eternal"
Above all other feelings or emotions, hope is the thing that brings every day to a close,
and it is the only thing that brings the new day in.
Regardless of age, status, sex, wealth, religious belief, political affiliation we hope,
we hope for all the things in our dreams to come true,
we trust that they will,
we have faith that they will,
and even when they don't,
the very next day we think to ourselves...
I hope!
I know that hope is the thing that gets every single person through to the next day:
I hope tomorrow will be better,
I hope I will get that job,
I hope I will get that promotion,
I hope that lottery ticket is a winner,
I hope she will love me,
I hope she will know me,
I hope there is food for tomorrow,
I hope we all are kept safe,
I hope it wont rain,
I hope it will rain,
I hope my favorite band makes a come back,
I hope my team wins in sports,
I hope my next work of art is the one,
I hope I am remembered for who I really am,
I hope you are happy,
I hope you are safe,
I hope tomorrow all of my hopes come true,
I hope...
"Hope springs eternal"
Above all other feelings or emotions, hope is the thing that brings every day to a close,
and it is the only thing that brings the new day in.
Regardless of age, status, sex, wealth, religious belief, political affiliation we hope,
we hope for all the things in our dreams to come true,
we trust that they will,
we have faith that they will,
and even when they don't,
the very next day we think to ourselves...
I hope!
Friday, June 6, 2014
The first one...
It has to be you,
the first one to say,
the things on your mind,
that you love me to.
It has to be you to start a conversation,
I have tried with all my heart,
just to be kept in isolation.
I will stay here for eternity,
because I cannot do more,
so it will have to be you,
the first one to say,
life has been empty,
that something is missing.
It will have to be you,
to send a letter,
confirmation that you exist,
a short note,
one that makes things better,
one that does persist.
It will have to be you,
taking the higher road,
but image the relief,
when you are able to unload,
even if you keep it brief.
Simply put,
it will have to be you...
the first one to say,
the things on your mind,
that you love me to.
It has to be you to start a conversation,
I have tried with all my heart,
just to be kept in isolation.
I will stay here for eternity,
because I cannot do more,
so it will have to be you,
the first one to say,
life has been empty,
that something is missing.
It will have to be you,
to send a letter,
confirmation that you exist,
a short note,
one that makes things better,
one that does persist.
It will have to be you,
taking the higher road,
but image the relief,
when you are able to unload,
even if you keep it brief.
Simply put,
it will have to be you...
I long for the day...
I long for the day when you realize we were meant to be,
that regardless of space and time you are here with me,
I long for the day when our hearts are healed,
when both of our fates are eternally sealed.
I long for the day when you are in my arms,
where I can keep you safe from any harm,
I long for the day when our lips once again touch,
because I know you miss me that much.
I long for the day when you come to me and say,
the things once thought are a trillion miles away,
I long for nights of passion and desire,
along with the mornings after,
both of us embracing in a hot shower.
I long for so much because I know it is true,
the love and heart ache that we both have gone through,
I long for you to realize that true love is not sex,
nor time together or the universe as seen from the city,
it is the way we both feel given the possibility,
that our worlds have been altered by the other,
I long for you to finally see that there is no other!
My love is enduring and deep,
it is expressed in my writings,
in my art and in my actions.
Someday you will see the things I long for you to see,
though I know you must in your time, in your way,
with out my presence setting you free,
I long for this day while kneeling on one knee!
that regardless of space and time you are here with me,
I long for the day when our hearts are healed,
when both of our fates are eternally sealed.
I long for the day when you are in my arms,
where I can keep you safe from any harm,
I long for the day when our lips once again touch,
because I know you miss me that much.
I long for the day when you come to me and say,
the things once thought are a trillion miles away,
I long for nights of passion and desire,
along with the mornings after,
both of us embracing in a hot shower.
I long for so much because I know it is true,
the love and heart ache that we both have gone through,
I long for you to realize that true love is not sex,
nor time together or the universe as seen from the city,
it is the way we both feel given the possibility,
that our worlds have been altered by the other,
I long for you to finally see that there is no other!
My love is enduring and deep,
it is expressed in my writings,
in my art and in my actions.
Someday you will see the things I long for you to see,
though I know you must in your time, in your way,
with out my presence setting you free,
I long for this day while kneeling on one knee!
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Just write me a letter
All you have to do is write me a letter,
it will make you feel better,
I know you have adventures to tell me about,
I know that things have not worked out.
All you have to do is write me a letter,
telling me how thing truly are,
I know that things and words have gone to far,
so take a step and feel better.
All you have to do is write me a letter,
and say the things you want,
write about how you miss our talks,
write about our long walks.
All you have to do is write me a letter,
and you know in your heart,
you will start to feel better,
a hand written note that professes to say,
all the things you think about in a single day.
All you have to do is write me a letter,
I will remind you we are more then most,
that our minds think alike,
much like that photograph of "God is a blue bike".
Below is my address,
you know what to say,
I can tell by your visits,
you have something to tell me,
so if you are brave enough,
all you have to do is write me a letter.
email will not do,
all I ask is a hand written note from you,
and because this should be easy,
language does not matter...
it will make you feel better,
I know you have adventures to tell me about,
I know that things have not worked out.
All you have to do is write me a letter,
telling me how thing truly are,
I know that things and words have gone to far,
so take a step and feel better.
All you have to do is write me a letter,
and say the things you want,
write about how you miss our talks,
write about our long walks.
All you have to do is write me a letter,
and you know in your heart,
you will start to feel better,
a hand written note that professes to say,
all the things you think about in a single day.
All you have to do is write me a letter,
I will remind you we are more then most,
that our minds think alike,
much like that photograph of "God is a blue bike".
Below is my address,
you know what to say,
I can tell by your visits,
you have something to tell me,
so if you are brave enough,
all you have to do is write me a letter.
email will not do,
all I ask is a hand written note from you,
and because this should be easy,
language does not matter...
Something I just discovered about me
My most creative years, the ones where I produced some of the most
creative art in my life was done so because I was uninfluenced by
others. I just created the things I saw in my mind, not realizing
they(the others) existed.
Then I got involved with one person, she entered my mind and everything since has been changed. It is now hard to see what used to be in my mind, because time is measured from the time before her to the time after her. Thus my creativity/mind is in turmoil, wandering through life without direction.
As an artist who has more creativity/confusion brewing in his mind, I think it might be time to give way to the creativity of self other then the creativity of others influence. In this the universes preplanned direction will unfold itself to me and I will then know the path to take.
This will undoubtedly lead me to more life without reality, but then life has been far from average, or even close to reality. There is so much more then what is seen at the surface. And it is this me, that I must now create from, this me that is wandering through life, all the while thinking that I am living in reality!
Because creating from the self will bring a far greater influence to this planet, this universe, then can be imagined~
Then I got involved with one person, she entered my mind and everything since has been changed. It is now hard to see what used to be in my mind, because time is measured from the time before her to the time after her. Thus my creativity/mind is in turmoil, wandering through life without direction.
As an artist who has more creativity/confusion brewing in his mind, I think it might be time to give way to the creativity of self other then the creativity of others influence. In this the universes preplanned direction will unfold itself to me and I will then know the path to take.
This will undoubtedly lead me to more life without reality, but then life has been far from average, or even close to reality. There is so much more then what is seen at the surface. And it is this me, that I must now create from, this me that is wandering through life, all the while thinking that I am living in reality!
Because creating from the self will bring a far greater influence to this planet, this universe, then can be imagined~
Sunday, April 6, 2014
The actions of others
I have seen people at their worst possible moments, people are dark,
complex and to be honest quite scary! When I say I have seen this I
mean to say I have been the head of security at three hotels near
Detroit Metro Airport, I have worked with the local police, the DEA, the
FBI and the Secret Service on various incidents and dignitary type
visits to the area. I have seen my share of death and how people react
to it, I have even seen how horrible people can be when mass death
occurs as I was one of the first responders to the crash of flight 255
at metro airport. I have seen first hand how despicable people can be
on large scales. A while after that I became a reserve police officer
for the city of Dearborn Heights, MI and again found out how stupid
people are in general. So when I say I have seen how the actions of
others affect people I truly do mean it!
That said the following story still baffles me to this day!
In 2010 I started dating a woman (my marriage all but over at this time) who lived in Europe. I guess I did not mind the distance because we saw each other on skype or spoke every day. In November of that year I finally got brave enough to go there and visit her. It was without a doubt the most fun I had ever had, the sex was great, the food was great and the scenery was fantastic. I took several thousand photographs that trip and still look back fondly at them. That trip was a week long action packed moment in time.
Several days after I had returned to the states, I received a panic phone call from her indicating that "someone" had created a fake Facebook account and had sent her then boyfriend who had just purposed to her in March of that very same year, her parents and herself an email. She had asked if I had seen it or gotten a copy of it, I had not and to my amazement within moments the fake Facebook person sent me a copy as well. Interesting I thought, and timely. The email essentially described the fact that I had made the trip as well as things that were done on that trip that only she and I knew. She accused me of telling everyone about the trip, telling everyone what we had done, that was confusing because I was not sure "who" everyone was considering I was not about to tell my wife or daughter and my time spent in my art studio I was alone 99.9 percent of the time!
I told her to calm down we would find out who did this somehow. I was able to extract and save the entire Facebook page set up by this person and quickly discovered that there was a great deal of data imbedded in it. I spent a few days pulling out what I could and then discovered what was a list of i.p. addresses. At the time I thought they were nothing more then the addresses for those visiting the page. I would soon find out the truth!
I purchased a piece of software the allowed me to enter the addresses and trace them. They were not as it turns out individual addresses, they were all linked together and lead me to the person who created the Facebook page. The results took only an hour to discover and because I had trouble lifting my jaw off the table at seeing the results I reran the trace several dozen times! The trace lead me back to her, right down to her computer name. Confused I wondered why exactly she would do this, why she would lie about it! I decided not to tell her, but to point her in a different direction so I could some how verify this potentially damaging information. So I concocted a lame story about someone else and every-time it was brought up I deflected it to: I need time, results need to be sure...blah, blah, blah.
When I say they were not i.p. addresses from individuals I mean they were of computers but the way the internet works when you visit a site you reach across many computers, the software I purchased traced a line from each i.p. address back to the only person who could have created the fake Facebook page. Now I needed to verify what I had found out. One of the things she would do was get ready for bed and fall asleep while I worked on my art while we were on Skype. It was one of those things I enjoyed about our time together. None the less during one of these Skype sessions I fired up the software I had purchased and ran a live trace. One of the things I had discovered about the internet was that if a computer could reuse a known pathway it would. The result of this trace was in fact nearly identical to the one above. The most damning part of it was the fact that both traces pointed directly to her phone/internet service provider all the way down to her computer name. They were identical on both traces!
Why would someone do this? Was the question that kept creeping into my head. Why would someone put her parents through such a thing let alone the man she claimed to want to marry, though the later was a bit sketchy considering she had been having affairs since he proposed just months before. Maybe it was a way to break it off from him, maybe it was a way to anger her parents enough so they would leave her alone. I really don't know, things got very crazy with both our lives in the months ahead and I would never talk about it, I never told her of the results I had found. I did talk to a few other very close friends looking for some sort of reality check but again life got in the way so it was never discussed with her.
The actions of others are as confusing as ever, they hurt, they cause doubt in this case they were designed to hurt others. She was one that used the word "hate" very often regardless if it was about a thing or person all the while claiming to be a "nice" person. I do think she is full of hate, but hate mostly for herself. That hate unfortunately gets misdirected onto others, her family, her friends, even her lovers. I am most frustrated with the fact that she never came clean about this, I gave her endless opportunity, she kept to her story like the perfect little liar.
After seeing her once more here in the states and then again in her home town our relationship had come to a close, we tried on a few occasions to speak but the anger between us was and is still much to great. My anger at having discovered who she really is will prevent me from ever communicating with her again. I enjoyed the good times we spent together but someone that devious would stop at nothing to hurt others. On a side note she did admit hacking into my email and Facebook that first week we spent together in Europe, oddly enough her reasoning was she did not trust me. Not a way to start a relationship with someone, then again maybe all she wanted was to use me to drive a wedge further between her parents, her boyfriend and herself. I don't know anymore as I question the reality of it all!
The actions of others cause pain and hurt, if she ever makes it back to my blog and reads this it will be the first time she discovers that I know/have known the truth of her actions, that I am embarrassed for her because of them, as I have been since the second I discovered it!
That said the following story still baffles me to this day!
In 2010 I started dating a woman (my marriage all but over at this time) who lived in Europe. I guess I did not mind the distance because we saw each other on skype or spoke every day. In November of that year I finally got brave enough to go there and visit her. It was without a doubt the most fun I had ever had, the sex was great, the food was great and the scenery was fantastic. I took several thousand photographs that trip and still look back fondly at them. That trip was a week long action packed moment in time.
Several days after I had returned to the states, I received a panic phone call from her indicating that "someone" had created a fake Facebook account and had sent her then boyfriend who had just purposed to her in March of that very same year, her parents and herself an email. She had asked if I had seen it or gotten a copy of it, I had not and to my amazement within moments the fake Facebook person sent me a copy as well. Interesting I thought, and timely. The email essentially described the fact that I had made the trip as well as things that were done on that trip that only she and I knew. She accused me of telling everyone about the trip, telling everyone what we had done, that was confusing because I was not sure "who" everyone was considering I was not about to tell my wife or daughter and my time spent in my art studio I was alone 99.9 percent of the time!
I told her to calm down we would find out who did this somehow. I was able to extract and save the entire Facebook page set up by this person and quickly discovered that there was a great deal of data imbedded in it. I spent a few days pulling out what I could and then discovered what was a list of i.p. addresses. At the time I thought they were nothing more then the addresses for those visiting the page. I would soon find out the truth!
I purchased a piece of software the allowed me to enter the addresses and trace them. They were not as it turns out individual addresses, they were all linked together and lead me to the person who created the Facebook page. The results took only an hour to discover and because I had trouble lifting my jaw off the table at seeing the results I reran the trace several dozen times! The trace lead me back to her, right down to her computer name. Confused I wondered why exactly she would do this, why she would lie about it! I decided not to tell her, but to point her in a different direction so I could some how verify this potentially damaging information. So I concocted a lame story about someone else and every-time it was brought up I deflected it to: I need time, results need to be sure...blah, blah, blah.
When I say they were not i.p. addresses from individuals I mean they were of computers but the way the internet works when you visit a site you reach across many computers, the software I purchased traced a line from each i.p. address back to the only person who could have created the fake Facebook page. Now I needed to verify what I had found out. One of the things she would do was get ready for bed and fall asleep while I worked on my art while we were on Skype. It was one of those things I enjoyed about our time together. None the less during one of these Skype sessions I fired up the software I had purchased and ran a live trace. One of the things I had discovered about the internet was that if a computer could reuse a known pathway it would. The result of this trace was in fact nearly identical to the one above. The most damning part of it was the fact that both traces pointed directly to her phone/internet service provider all the way down to her computer name. They were identical on both traces!
Why would someone do this? Was the question that kept creeping into my head. Why would someone put her parents through such a thing let alone the man she claimed to want to marry, though the later was a bit sketchy considering she had been having affairs since he proposed just months before. Maybe it was a way to break it off from him, maybe it was a way to anger her parents enough so they would leave her alone. I really don't know, things got very crazy with both our lives in the months ahead and I would never talk about it, I never told her of the results I had found. I did talk to a few other very close friends looking for some sort of reality check but again life got in the way so it was never discussed with her.
The actions of others are as confusing as ever, they hurt, they cause doubt in this case they were designed to hurt others. She was one that used the word "hate" very often regardless if it was about a thing or person all the while claiming to be a "nice" person. I do think she is full of hate, but hate mostly for herself. That hate unfortunately gets misdirected onto others, her family, her friends, even her lovers. I am most frustrated with the fact that she never came clean about this, I gave her endless opportunity, she kept to her story like the perfect little liar.
After seeing her once more here in the states and then again in her home town our relationship had come to a close, we tried on a few occasions to speak but the anger between us was and is still much to great. My anger at having discovered who she really is will prevent me from ever communicating with her again. I enjoyed the good times we spent together but someone that devious would stop at nothing to hurt others. On a side note she did admit hacking into my email and Facebook that first week we spent together in Europe, oddly enough her reasoning was she did not trust me. Not a way to start a relationship with someone, then again maybe all she wanted was to use me to drive a wedge further between her parents, her boyfriend and herself. I don't know anymore as I question the reality of it all!
The actions of others cause pain and hurt, if she ever makes it back to my blog and reads this it will be the first time she discovers that I know/have known the truth of her actions, that I am embarrassed for her because of them, as I have been since the second I discovered it!
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Creating a soul
No one lives for ever,
no one sees or looks beyond,
the things we think,
are never true,
but in you
I thought I was creating a soul.
My life has been full of strife,
my only gift back is producing life,
we see the things we want,
deny those that are not.
We try and create,
we live to masturbate,
you wont like these lines,
but in that I can relate.
We try and create the soul,
we want to be,
the life we hope we will live,
but in doing so the soul gets tired.
We love passionately,
despite what others want to see,
the soul I have created for you,
is the one I thought was for me to!
no one sees or looks beyond,
the things we think,
are never true,
but in you
I thought I was creating a soul.
My life has been full of strife,
my only gift back is producing life,
we see the things we want,
deny those that are not.
We try and create,
we live to masturbate,
you wont like these lines,
but in that I can relate.
We try and create the soul,
we want to be,
the life we hope we will live,
but in doing so the soul gets tired.
We love passionately,
despite what others want to see,
the soul I have created for you,
is the one I thought was for me to!
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Why lie?
Human beings are wonderful things, we have the capacity to create, love,
wonder at questions like "Why lie?" and statements like "Seriously that
pisses me off." despite all of the negative things that hurt us
throughout life. We are resilient, resistant, trusting despite lies,
caring despite being strangers... we are human and we are full of
wonder! We lie to protect our selves, to protect the ones we love, to
free ourselves from embarrassment, we lie because we are human! It is
never the right thing to do but we can't help it we are human, full of
wonder, full of lies~
My response to a friends posting on Facebook: "Why lie? Seriously that pisses me off."
And I have never met anyone who did not lie about something, ever!
My response to a friends posting on Facebook: "Why lie? Seriously that pisses me off."
And I have never met anyone who did not lie about something, ever!
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