The White Dress

She wore a white dress,
the kind of look that released all your stress,
her hair, those eyes,
looking to fill the wonders,
of the blue skies.

That white dress she wore,
is forever in my mind,
the first time meeting her family,
I wanted to shine,
be honest and brave,
I wanted her to see me as I saw her.

That white dress in my mind as I drove off,
in my mind wanting to be sitting next to,
the thing I wanted,
still want,
sitting under the dark blue sky,
knowing I would never be let in,
but wanted you just the same..

That white dress will never fade from my memory,
from me...

I see you as I left that day wearing that white dress,
want you, wondering if the crazy moment was the same for you!

No questions, never any answers,
just a man who will never forget that white dress! 

For Linda

I grew up in what they called the “projects” in Detroit, MI during the race riots of the 1960’s  We had little money, mom had rheumatic fever just after birth and dad was in mental institutions for most of his life.  We did not know any better then what we had.

We saved our pennies, us kids, for the one day that was special… the day we would all walk to the “penny candy” store, named that way because when you walked inside… there it was every kids dream, a wall of candy as far as you could reach up and in each bin was a mountain of individually wrapped pieces of candy.  Each piece costing only a penny.

We were never afraid in and around where we live, tanks would roll by and we would sit on the curb watching… it was all normal to us.  We would walk every the four oldest kids.  My older brother 11, me at 10, my younger sister at 9 and the youngest sister at around 7 or 8…

It was a hot June day… we each had 12 cents we had saved for this particular day… 12 pennies for 12 pieces of candy each.  We walked to the store taking care to watch the road for cars as we crossed.  Inside the store we took our time picking and choosing the right set of candy each would get.  The owner of the store would always toss in an extra piece for each of us… give us our separate little brown bags.

We walked out of the store pausing just outside of the entrance to peer into our goodie bags and creep up to the edge of the sidewalk.   I looked both ways to my right then my left and I started running across the street.  I turned around after hearing the sound of a car slamming on its brakes to see this tiny little body flipping through the air like a discarded rag doll.  My youngest sister Linda had run into the street chasing after me.  A car traveling 50 or so miles an hour crushed every bone in her body, in an instant she was gone… the moment I had seen her flipping in the air she had already died, second before.

For years, many years I had nightmares about a helpless girl standing on a dock as I watched over the railing of a large passenger boat crushing the dock she was on, me leaning over stretching my arm out as far as I could to help, but every night it was the same, her face looking up at me in horror as she was crushed and sucked under the side of this large boat.  If I had taken her hand, if I had just waited for all of us to cross at the same time… if…

I had that nightmare every night until my early twenties.  It took playing in a band at bars every night for 7 years while holding down a full time job to erase the nightmare from my head.  Last year I drew out 3 panels to paint depicting this and after a neighbor saw the drawings and started to cry I removed the canvas and put them in storage.  I could not go back there again.

May is Linda’s birthday month and as with all of my family members (there are only two left now, myself and a younger brother) I wanted to write something.

Happy birthday Linda and I am sorry for not taking that tiny little hand of yours in mine as I ran across the street.

The saddest day

To learn that someone you've loved more intensely then anyone else is not who you thought, to experience anothers soul then discover there really was not much there,  to discover that despite all the indications of love, devotion it was empty! 

Today is the saddest day, I've discovered that the person whom I wanted, expected to share a life with was a lie, a fake, wanted nothing but to look out for herself.  I've never required much, never asked for much, gave 100% of my time to her despite the stresses of losing a house, getting divorced, dealing with several close calls with death, I was always there, always on call for her, she could depend on me regardless, no matter what...

I've needed very little from her until recently and have never felt so abandoned in my life, my ex-wife the person whom stated she has hated me for the past 30 years stood by me more intently only eclipsed by my daughter whom I am eternally proud of and love, but to have someone who openly hates me be there even more then a person who stated she loved me more then any/everything... there is something sobering in discovering this.

It is the saddest day because I've discovered that the woman I loved, put on the highest pedestal had nothing in her heart but herself, it is the saddest day because she can't see it, she is so blind to her own self importance that she can't see she has made the ultimate liar out of herself, it's the saddest day because in her words her "conscious is clear", it is the saddest day because without a thought in her head she will go off and do this again to the next guy who pays her that extra bit of attention, while I still have her on a pedestal and hating myself for it!

It is a sad day!

Filtered thoughts

My mind is filled with filtered thoughts,
of memories and tastes from months ago,
things that have happened between us
of things yet to come.

My mind is filled with to colors
of the universe before and after,
of the places where I left my heart,
Thoughts that keep me wanting more,
where my love waits forevermore.

My mind fills with filtered thoughts,
always careful not to share,
for fears of others steeling them,
without a care.