The actions of others

I have seen people at their worst possible moments, people are dark, complex and to be honest quite scary!  When I say I have seen this I mean to say I have been the head of security at three hotels near Detroit Metro Airport, I have worked with the local police, the DEA, the FBI and the Secret Service on various incidents and dignitary type visits to the area.  I have seen my share of death and how people react to it, I have even seen how horrible people can be when mass death occurs as I was one of the first responders to the crash of flight 255 at metro airport.  I have seen first hand how despicable people can be on large scales.  A while after that I became a reserve police officer for the city of Dearborn Heights, MI and again found out how stupid people are in general.  So when I say I have seen how the actions of others affect people I truly do mean it!

That said the following story still baffles me to this day!

In 2010 I started dating a woman (my marriage all but over at this time) who lived in Europe.  I guess I did not mind the distance because we saw each other on skype or spoke every day.  In November of that year I finally got brave enough to go there and visit her.  It was without a doubt the most fun I had ever had, the sex was great, the food was great and the scenery was fantastic.  I took several thousand photographs that trip and still look back fondly at them.  That trip was a week long action packed moment in time.

Several days after I had returned to the states, I received a panic phone call from her indicating that "someone" had created a fake Facebook account and had sent her then boyfriend who had just purposed to her in March of that very same year, her parents and herself an email.  She had asked if I had seen it or gotten a copy of it, I had not and to my amazement within moments the fake Facebook person sent me a copy as well.  Interesting I thought, and timely.  The email essentially described the fact that I had made the trip as well as things that were done on that trip that only she and I knew.  She accused me of telling everyone about the trip, telling everyone what we had done, that was confusing because I was not sure "who" everyone was considering I was not about to tell my wife or daughter and my time spent in my art studio I was alone 99.9 percent of the time!

I told her to calm down we would find out who did this somehow.  I was able to extract and save the entire Facebook page set up by this person and quickly discovered that there was a great deal of data imbedded in it.  I spent a few days pulling out what I could and then discovered what was a list of i.p. addresses.  At the time I thought they were nothing more then the addresses for those visiting the page.  I would soon find out the truth!

I purchased a piece of software the allowed me to enter the addresses and trace them.  They were not as it turns out individual addresses, they were all linked together and lead me to the person who created the Facebook page.  The results took only an hour to discover and because I had trouble lifting my jaw off the table at seeing the results I reran the trace several dozen times!  The trace lead me back to her, right down to her computer name.  Confused I wondered why exactly she would do this, why she would lie about it!  I decided not to tell her, but to point her in a different direction so I could some how verify this potentially damaging information.  So I concocted a lame story about someone else and every-time it was brought up I deflected it to: I need time, results need to be sure...blah, blah, blah.

When I say they were not i.p. addresses from individuals I mean they were of computers but the way the internet works when you visit a site you reach across many computers, the software I purchased traced a line from each i.p. address back to the only person who could have created the fake Facebook page.  Now I needed to verify what I had found out.  One of the things she would do was get ready for bed and fall asleep while I worked on my art while we were on Skype.  It was one of those things I enjoyed about our time together.  None the less during one of these Skype sessions I fired up the software I had purchased and ran a live trace.  One of the things I had discovered about the internet was that if a computer could reuse a known pathway it would.  The result of this trace was in fact nearly identical to the one above.  The most damning part of it was the fact that both traces pointed directly to her phone/internet service provider all the way down to her computer name.  They were identical on both traces!

Why would someone do this?  Was the question that kept creeping into my head.  Why would someone put her parents through such a thing let alone the man she claimed to want to marry, though the later was a bit sketchy considering she had been having affairs since he proposed just months before.  Maybe it was a way to break it off from him, maybe it was a way to anger her parents enough so they would leave her alone.  I really don't know, things got very crazy with both our lives in the months ahead and I would never talk about it, I never told her of the results I had found.  I did talk to a few other very close friends looking for some sort of reality check but again life got in the way so it was never discussed with her.

The actions of others are as confusing as ever, they hurt, they cause doubt in this case they were designed to hurt others.  She was one that used the word "hate" very often regardless if it was about a thing or person all the while claiming to be a "nice" person.  I do think she is full of hate, but hate mostly for herself.  That hate unfortunately gets misdirected onto others, her family, her friends, even her lovers.  I am most frustrated with the fact that she never came clean about this, I gave her endless opportunity, she kept to her story like the perfect little liar.

After seeing her once more here in the states and then again in her home town our relationship had come to a close, we tried on a few occasions to speak but the anger between us was and is still much to great.  My anger at having discovered who she really is will prevent me from ever communicating with her again.  I enjoyed the good times we spent together but someone that devious would stop at nothing to hurt others.  On a side note she did admit hacking into my email and Facebook that first week we spent together in Europe, oddly enough her reasoning was she did not trust me.  Not a way to start a relationship with someone, then again maybe all she wanted was to use me to drive a wedge further between her parents, her boyfriend and herself.  I don't know anymore as I question the reality of it all!

The actions of others cause pain and hurt, if she ever makes it back to my blog and reads this it will be the first time she discovers that I know/have known the truth of her actions, that I am embarrassed for her because of them, as I have been since the second I discovered it!

Creating a soul

No one lives for ever,
no one sees or looks beyond,
the things we think,
are never true,
but in you
I thought I was creating a soul.

My life has been full of strife,
my only gift back is producing life,
we see the things we want,
deny those that are not.

We try and create,
we live to masturbate,
you wont like these lines,
but in that I can relate.

We try and create the soul,
we want to be,
the life we hope we will live,
but in doing so the soul gets tired.

We love passionately,
despite what others want to see,
the soul I have created for you,
is the one I thought was for me to!

Why lie?

Human beings are wonderful things, we have the capacity to create, love, wonder at questions like "Why lie?" and statements like "Seriously that pisses me off." despite all of the negative things that hurt us throughout life.  We are resilient, resistant, trusting despite lies, caring despite being strangers... we are human and we are full of wonder!  We lie to protect our selves, to protect the ones we love, to free ourselves from embarrassment, we lie because we are human!  It is never the right thing to do but we can't help it we are human, full of wonder, full of lies~

My response to a friends posting on Facebook: "Why lie? Seriously that pisses me off."

And I have never met anyone who did not lie about something, ever!

If there was passion in the world.

If there,
was passion,
in this world,
it would be you!

If there was passion,
in this world,
it would be true,
life would be as we see it.

If there was passion,
pain would no longer exist,
the desperate and lonely,
would not persist.

I wish for passion to be in every soul,
but I realize the world is what it is,
so passion takes a back seat to everyday things,
It will start with me because my heart sings.

I hope your world is filled to the brim,
with passion and love.

A lost soul

Feeling lost and alone,
hiding in the darkness when the light is on,
remembering the soft touch of skin,
the feeling of being loved within,
it's gone!

Feeling lost and alone,
wandering alone with no help,
feeling the days slip past,
wondering about the last.

Feeling lost and alone,
spending days and nights
working in my studio,
wondering why!

Feeling lost and alone!

Breathing in your poisonous air~

Stranded in a country far away,
I found myself breathing in your poisonous air,
Only thinking of yourself never once going astray,
Beginning to lose sight of what is fair,
I found myself breathing in your poisonous air.

It spreads in me like an infection,
Regardless of intent or direction,
The more I breath your poisonous air,
My lungs fill with pain and despair.

Self absorbed thoughts and actions,
Is your trademark of life's interactions,
Breathing in your poisonous air,
Slowly takes life's forces away,
Leaving me breathless to this day!

The sad truth

The sad truth is it will be a while before we are "over" this,
we shared things most will never realize,
most will never realize in ten lifetimes,
despite our words of anger, despite our hurt,
we will care for years to come.

I've spent the last many months drunk trying to forget,
but it does not matter,
the hurt never goes away,
I try and keep my mind occupied,
busy,
but the hurt never goes away,
when two people share as we have,
most would envy it,
most would not survive it.

We say things out of hurt,
We say things out of feeling the loss,
without each other in our lives,
we had the most creative,
loveing,
adventurous time,
and I will miss it,
because in our good times,
we both had the most,
beautiful times,
our most creative times,
our most loving times.

I will miss you in my life!