For Linda

I grew up in what they called the “projects” in Detroit, MI during the race riots of the 1960’s  We had little money, mom had rheumatic fever just after birth and dad was in mental institutions for most of his life.  We did not know any better then what we had.

We saved our pennies, us kids, for the one day that was special… the day we would all walk to the “penny candy” store, named that way because when you walked inside… there it was every kids dream, a wall of candy as far as you could reach up and in each bin was a mountain of individually wrapped pieces of candy.  Each piece costing only a penny.

We were never afraid in and around where we live, tanks would roll by and we would sit on the curb watching… it was all normal to us.  We would walk every the four oldest kids.  My older brother 11, me at 10, my younger sister at 9 and the youngest sister at around 7 or 8…

It was a hot June day… we each had 12 cents we had saved for this particular day… 12 pennies for 12 pieces of candy each.  We walked to the store taking care to watch the road for cars as we crossed.  Inside the store we took our time picking and choosing the right set of candy each would get.  The owner of the store would always toss in an extra piece for each of us… give us our separate little brown bags.

We walked out of the store pausing just outside of the entrance to peer into our goodie bags and creep up to the edge of the sidewalk.   I looked both ways to my right then my left and I started running across the street.  I turned around after hearing the sound of a car slamming on its brakes to see this tiny little body flipping through the air like a discarded rag doll.  My youngest sister Linda had run into the street chasing after me.  A car traveling 50 or so miles an hour crushed every bone in her body, in an instant she was gone… the moment I had seen her flipping in the air she had already died, second before.

For years, many years I had nightmares about a helpless girl standing on a dock as I watched over the railing of a large passenger boat crushing the dock she was on, me leaning over stretching my arm out as far as I could to help, but every night it was the same, her face looking up at me in horror as she was crushed and sucked under the side of this large boat.  If I had taken her hand, if I had just waited for all of us to cross at the same time… if…

I had that nightmare every night until my early twenties.  It took playing in a band at bars every night for 7 years while holding down a full time job to erase the nightmare from my head.  Last year I drew out 3 panels to paint depicting this and after a neighbor saw the drawings and started to cry I removed the canvas and put them in storage.  I could not go back there again.

May is Linda’s birthday month and as with all of my family members (there are only two left now, myself and a younger brother) I wanted to write something.

Happy birthday Linda and I am sorry for not taking that tiny little hand of yours in mine as I ran across the street.

The saddest day

To learn that someone you've loved more intensely then anyone else is not who you thought, to experience anothers soul then discover there really was not much there,  to discover that despite all the indications of love, devotion it was empty! 

Today is the saddest day, I've discovered that the person whom I wanted, expected to share a life with was a lie, a fake, wanted nothing but to look out for herself.  I've never required much, never asked for much, gave 100% of my time to her despite the stresses of losing a house, getting divorced, dealing with several close calls with death, I was always there, always on call for her, she could depend on me regardless, no matter what...

I've needed very little from her until recently and have never felt so abandoned in my life, my ex-wife the person whom stated she has hated me for the past 30 years stood by me more intently only eclipsed by my daughter whom I am eternally proud of and love, but to have someone who openly hates me be there even more then a person who stated she loved me more then any/everything... there is something sobering in discovering this.

It is the saddest day because I've discovered that the woman I loved, put on the highest pedestal had nothing in her heart but herself, it is the saddest day because she can't see it, she is so blind to her own self importance that she can't see she has made the ultimate liar out of herself, it's the saddest day because in her words her "conscious is clear", it is the saddest day because without a thought in her head she will go off and do this again to the next guy who pays her that extra bit of attention, while I still have her on a pedestal and hating myself for it!

It is a sad day!

Filtered thoughts

My mind is filled with filtered thoughts,
of memories and tastes from months ago,
things that have happened between us
of things yet to come.

My mind is filled with to colors
of the universe before and after,
of the places where I left my heart,
Thoughts that keep me wanting more,
where my love waits forevermore.

My mind fills with filtered thoughts,
always careful not to share,
for fears of others steeling them,
without a care.

She stood in my doorway

On a silent day in June,
with all forms of life in bloom,
there was a knock at my door,
with the bright blue sky and sun,
there she was standing in my doorway.

A loving embrace,
a moment to taste,
the air thick with passion,
and loving distraction.

Bodies old once new,
to watch the sun,
glide through a Van Gogh blue,
now feelings of frolic and fun,
give way to the passions of life on the run.

Rolling to hold her body now gone,
as my eyes open wide I see,
the shape of things to come,
her body in the distance wild and free,
her instincts telling her to run from me,
there she was standing in the doorway.

Hope

Is hope a wish or an emotion?

I know that hope is the thing that gets every single person through to the next day:

I hope tomorrow will be better,
I hope I will get that job,
I hope I will get that promotion,
I hope that lottery ticket is a winner,
I hope she will love me,
I hope she will know me,
I hope there is food for tomorrow,
I hope we all are kept safe,
I hope it wont rain,
I hope it will rain,
I hope my favorite band makes a come back,
I hope my team wins in sports,
I hope my next work of art is the one,
I hope I am remembered for who I really am,
I hope you are happy,
I hope you are safe,
I hope tomorrow all of my hopes come true,
I hope...

"Hope springs eternal"

Above all other feelings or emotions, hope is the thing that brings every day to a close,
and it is the only thing that brings the new day in.

Regardless of age, status, sex, wealth, religious belief, political affiliation we hope,
we hope for all the things in our dreams to come true,
we trust that they will,
we have faith that they will,
and even when they don't,
the very next day we think to ourselves...

I hope!

The first one...

It has to be you,
the first one to say,
the things on your mind,
that you love me to.

It has to be you to start a conversation,
I have tried with all my heart,
just to be kept in isolation.

I will stay here for eternity,
because I cannot do more,
so it will have to be you,
the first one to say,
life has been empty,
that something is missing.

It will have to be you,
to send a letter,
confirmation that you exist,
a short note,
one that makes things better,
one that does persist.

It will have to be you,
taking the higher road,
but image the relief,
when you are able to unload,
even if you keep it brief.

Simply put,
it will have to be you...

I long for the day...

I long for the day when you realize we were meant to be,
that regardless of space and time you are here with me,
I long for the day when our hearts are healed,
when both of our fates are eternally sealed.

I long for the day when you are in my arms,
where I can keep you safe from any harm,
I long for the day when our lips once again touch,
because I know you miss me that much.

I long for the day when you come to me and say,
the things once thought are a trillion miles away,
I long for nights of passion and desire,
along with the mornings after,
both of us embracing in a hot shower.

I long for so much because I know it is true,
the love and heart ache that we both have gone through,
I long for you to realize that true love is not sex,
nor time together or the universe as seen from the city,
it is the way we both feel given the possibility,
that our worlds have been altered by the other,
I long for you to finally see that there is no other!

My love is enduring and deep,
it is expressed in my writings,
in my art and in my actions.

Someday you will see the things I long for you to see,
though I know you must in your time, in your way,
with out my presence setting you free,
I long for this day while kneeling on one knee!